Thursday, January 28, 2010

The Heart of Worship: A Choice

Have you ever been at a place in your life where you just think "enough is enough"!

That's where I am at right now.

This morning Treyton watched a short little video on two of the Ten Commandments (there are 5 videos in all) and it was based on the Golden Calf. I could tell he was a little confused about half-way through the DVD so I paused it and said "Do you know what is happening? Do you have any questions?" He did - so I began to answer them. Towards the end of his questions and my explanations this is what I said "The Israelites were naughty because instead of serving God alone they began to worship a different god." To try and give Treyton an example I asked him "What is something that you really like?" (he told me) I said "Now if you love that thing more than God and you start to make that thing more important in your life than God is, that means you are worshiping that thing the way you should be worshiping God. God should be the most important person in our life."

As I was saying it I can't tell you the number of people and things that started popping up in my mind about my own heart. But one stood out above the rest - the one that God has been working with me on for a while now, the one I've been most resistant to let fall.... and that one is me!

I will be honest here, this is hard for me. It's hard for me to worship God with my all - really hard. Why? Because I love myself, and I hold back much of what is God's, for me.

It's not that I'm all about me all the time or anything like that - I don't think I'm the best or the prettiest or the most awesome in any area, in fact, many times the opposite is true. BUT, I am controlling, selfish, prideful, full of self-pity and doubt and sometimes I really think I'm capable to take care of things on my own.

Most all of my struggles are rooted somewhere in the center or my self-centerdness. I am full of guilt, because I'm not good enough. I'm full of pride because I think I can do it on my own and that maybe (when things are going well) it really is all because of me. These are two of my largest issues - rooted deep in the heart of  who I am worshiping.

That brings me to where I am at - "enough is enough" I don't want this anymore. I don't want to be overwhelmed and buried with guilt one moment and flying high in the lie of pride the next. I want to stop making it about me and make it about Him. I am not able to control everything - there I said it! And I'm really tired of getting frustrated by that obvious revelation every day!

I want God to be my center. When He is - the guilt fades and the pride cannot stay. I want to bring Him glory, I want my worship to be honest, heart-felt and sincere. How can I do that, truly, when I am so busy worshiping myself?

Deuteronomy 6:5 "You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your should and with all your might" 
Exodus 20:3 "You shall have no other God's before Me" 

Thank You Lord for Your grace, and thank You that Your mercies never come to an end. You are a gracious and loving Father. You are good. Help me to love You, help me to worship You and help me to began to tear down the idol of myself so that I can put you in my place.


Michelle said...

Wonderful honesty. I could have written the same thing. There are so many things in our lives that we hold above God. I deal with pride and control. My pride makes be judgmental and I forget that everything I have was given to me by God and for God.

Thank you for such a humbling post.

Alexis said...

I agree with Michelle - wonderfully honest. Well said, that we could all take this to heart and apply it to our lives would be such a blessing. Thank you again for touching us where it counts.