Monday, June 21, 2010

My Real Home

I found an old CD yesterday.

A mixed CD that I made almost 4 years ago. When I started listening to the CD I was completely overwhelmed. I had made the CD during a really emotional and painful time in my life and as I listened to songs that contained no real importance, the music somehow reminded me of that time, and with the memories came pain. And with the pain, thoughts. Lots of thoughts….

Pain is inevitable.

This life is full of so many painful things: sickness, death, broken people, broken relationships and sin. We can not avoid it. Try as we might pain is a part of this life that noone can control.

As I get older, my fear of pain increases. I think it’s because I’m learning to love more. For example: I truly love my husband more today than I did 7 years ago when we got married. I also love my children more each day, even as we have more children my love does not diminish for one to give to another, somehow, miraculously more love is created. My sisters, my mom, my step-dad, my in-laws, my entire family…. my love for them only grows with time. It’s natural, that as time passes our hearts seems to grow.

This becomes an opportunity for the enemy and if we’re not careful he uses this increase of joy and love as an increase of fear. Fear of losing those we love. Not just through death, but of abandonment, rejection, etc. In a sense, the more we love the more we have to lose and the more we have to fear.

So what’s the solution?

As I reflected on the pain of my past, and feared the pain of my future I realized that it is about managing our fears with wise decisions and trust in God. Not trusting God to take the pain away or to keep us from our pain, because we know He won’t, but to trust that God will do what’s best for us.

I don’t know what the future holds, and to be honest I don’t think I want to know. And I don’t wan to spend my time wondering either. What I do want is to focus on my eternal future and and expectantly wait for my Savior to return.

And I do. I pray that Jesus will come quickly. 

It’s funny, I never really understood that prayer before I realized that my worry and fear weren’t going to keep me from pain. It was almost as if I thought ‘If I can keep such-and-such from happening, I will be okay, life will be good.” But the truth is, this life is never going to be good! EVER! We may have good times, but we will have bad times as well.

I’m not trying to be doom-and-gloomy but this is a fact, pain and suffering exist on this earth and always will. We’re not promised ease and happiness, the opposite is true. So all we can do is expect the suffering and long for eternity.

That’s what I am doing.

I am so ready – ready to go home – to my real home. Ready to see my Savior face-to-face.  To no longer feel pain and fear, to no longer suffer and watch those I love suffer. To have perfect love and perfect relationships, a healthy, perfect body and freedom from my bondages. So here I am, waiting, living life the best I can, serving Him the best I know how, until that time, when He decides to call me home.

I’ll be here.

Living.

Loving.

Trusting.

Waiting. Expectantly, waiting. 

1 comment:

Crystal Roberts said...

After the birth of our fifth child I felt this way. I sruggle with the fear of pain, for myself, my family, my kiddos. And this post is so true, life is NOT good, but God IS. I know for me focusing on Him is what really matters, especially when we live in a world that is all screwed up.
Thanks for this timely post, what an encouragement!