Friday, March 18, 2011

To Live for Him Alone

I feel myself on the verge of a change. I want to live ONLY for Christ. I need a change, I want a change. And yet… I hesitate. I hold back, trying to maintain a piece (though a small piece) of my old ways, my old heart, a piece of my own authority.

It’s impossible.

It’s sinful.

And yet, I hesitate.

I keep waiting. Waiting for the Holy Spirit to rise up within me and remove all my hesitation, to fully enable me to make a change without doubt, without the desire to hold back, but it hasn’t come.

I realize now that the Holy Spirit has brought me to this place.

A place where I have finally seen my sin for what it is. A place where I have a healthy fear of the Lord. A place where I am aware of my inability and His power.

If I go anywhere from here, I will never be able to doubt that it was by His miraculous power and will.

In this place (where I now find myself) there is a fine line between humility and self-condemnation. I can sense my enemy and he is crouching nearby; he pounces at every opportunity to deceive, attack, distract and tempt.

My ultimate desire is being put to the test and an important decision of where to go from here needs to be made. It’s a place of unmatched potential and unknowns.

Exciting.

Scary.

So this is it.

This is my moment, do I choose my suffering or my safety? Do I choose the way I know I want but is filled with things I don’t desire to do?

or

Do I choose the way I do not want but is filled with my comfort and fleshly desires?

Paul states in Romans 7:15-20

“For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not want what I want, but I do the very thing I hate. Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good. So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin the dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out. For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.”

I have never understood this passage more than I do now.

In the chapter prior to this one, verses 6 & 7  Paul says:

“our old self was crucified with Him in order that the body of sin might be brought to nothing, so that we would no lover be enslaved to sin. For one who has died has been set free from sin.”

According to this portion of scripture I am free from the bondage of sin. I do not have to be bound by it’s dominion over my life, over my thoughts, over my desires.

Romans 6: 13-14 “Do not present your members to sin as instruments for unrighteousness, but present yourselves to God as those who have been brought from death to life, and your members to God as instruments for righteousness. For sin will have no dominion over you, since you are not under law but under grace.”

But then why is this so hard? I love the Lord, I truly want to serve Him wholly and fully, but the act of tearing down my idols is harder than I thought.

In the end it comes down to this:

Do I believe what the Bible tells me to be true?

Do I trust Him to be who He says He is?

Do I trust Him enough to hopelessly abandon what I “know” for what He says?

Is He enough?

Will He come through?

Isaiah 30:18-22 (my verse of the year) “Therefore the LORD waits to be gracious to you, and therefore he exalts himself to show mercy to you. For the LORD is a God of justice; blessed are all those who wait for him. For a people shall dwell in Zion, in Jerusalem; you shall weep no more. He will surely be gracious to you at the sound of your cry. As soon as he hears it, he answers you. And though the Lord give you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, yet your Teacher will not hide himself anymore, but your eyes shall see your Teacher.  And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, "This is the way, walk in it," when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Then you will defile your carved idols overlaid with silver and your gold-plated metal images. You will scatter them as unclean things. You will say to them, "Be gone!"

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