Thursday, August 23, 2012

The Weak Camel and the Unidentifiable Straw

When I rolled over to look at my clock for the sixth time last night, I was beginning to suspect that today was not going to be: my day

The Lord has really been working on my patience, in particular with the kids. As unpleasant and convicting as that has been, I’m grateful for it today, because without the last few days of some hard-core examination in this area I think today would have been a complete disaster. The kind of day where I would have un-done weeks of training and grace-filled lessons in a moment of shrill screaming and crazy hand motions. IMG_4069

Praise Him, I was able to keep myself at least mostly composed through most of the day and it was merely unpleasant for everyone…. but me.

Because regardless of how I handled it on the outside, internally it still felt like a disaster.

Clearly I can’t take a clue, and tend to prioritize my to-do list over the people I love most, so I decided to go ahead and attempt school this morning. It went about as well as could be expected. By lunch time, we had gotten a minimum amount completed, and I was done.

Done with school.

Done with kids.

Done with myself.

I just wanted to sleep, mostly to get away from myself.

After lunch, I told the three little ones sitting around my dining room table that it was going to be quiet time and surprisingly not a one of them objected – that’s unheard of in our house. I guess they needed a break from me, too. 

I recently read Ann Voskamp’s blog post on How to Handle (parent) Temper-Tantrums, it was exactly what I needed today, so before I dozed off I went back and read it again.

Truthfully, the kids have been pretty good today. I can’t think of any direct disobedience on their part, there was some squabbling early on, but it was dealt with and we all moved on. Overall there was mostly just effort on their part, and anger on mine.

So no, it wasn’t about the kids today. Today it was about me. About my bad-attitude.

The logical part of me wants to figure out where this comes from. This attitude of anger, exhaustion and frustration at everything in the world.

I’m not typically like this, really I’m not. So why? Why today?

Is it the lack of sleep? Certainly a factor I’m sure, but I’ve had less sleep than this in the past.

Is it the fact that I’m 31 MONTHS pregnant and in almost constant leg, hip and back pain? Could be I suppose, but I’ve been living with the pain for a while now, so that doesn’t feel like it would suddenly be the cause of some emotional break-down on my part.

Is it the emotional turmoil I’ve been in since Monday after a close-encounter I haven’t really been able to talk about yet? Again, a possibility, but I don’t think so. 

We all have our bad days – days where it just seems like we’ve come to the end of ourselves. Today is my day. To borrow from Ann Voskamp’s analogy the camel’s back was weak and the straw was a surprisingly small one (unrecognizable, in fact).

I’m sitting here self-examining and it’s hard. It’s nothing I haven’t asked my children to do themselves, but it’s painful.

My camel’s back is broken, my body is exhausted and my mind is filled with thoughts I wish couldn’t exist in my head. I’ve come to the end of myself….

and as troubling as that feels in this moment, I know what I must do, I know where I must go.

I go to the only place I have left.

Matthew 11:28 “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”  IMG_4066


amanda said...

oh. i am so sorry that you're feeling those things. pleas know that i'm here if you need to vent. and know that you're not the only one to feel those feelings, even though it feels that way most of the time. i love you and am praying for you, friend!!

ps. i'm not sure if you meant to put it, but you put 31 MONTHS pregnant, not WEEKS. and it made me giggle. ;)

Ashley Skye said...

I think 31 MONTHS is an accurate feeling when you are 31 weeks pregnant!!! I TOTALLY REMEMBER that feeling ESPECIALLY with Grant.

I am so sorry you are having to feel these negative feels but SO GLAD that you are able to take it to HIM to calm your storm.

Even though you are in a bad place know that you are still a light in my life. I can look at you even when your camels back is broken byt the last straw of the moment and know that even know you may fall where you dont have strength you will gather your hurt pride/grief/etc and take it to our LORD.

THANK YOU for being a reminder that we all go there and that we sometimes need these reminders to come to the one that created and love us.

I am always here!! If you want to talk about it - if you want to talk about something else - have a bad attitude - cry or pray.

I love you ALWAY and no matter what.