Thursday, January 21, 2016

Choosing to Obey by Laying It Down

So I did something today that I never thought I would do. 

Or maybe it's more accurately said, that I hoped I would never do. 

I dropped two of my kids off at school.... like, "real" (not-in-my-home) school. 
** Side note: I can't even say "real" jokingly without cringing a little bit. Homeschool is "real". Nuff said. 

For some of you out there reading this (if there are any people left even reading this blog, and it's totally okay with me if there's not), this may seem somewhat melodramatic, but it's up towards the top of my list as one of the hardest things I've had to do, especially if you're talking willingly. 

What I mean is, sometimes things happen that are outside of your control and you just cling to the Anchor of your soul and you persevere and trust your way through it. It's not easy, and it's certainly not by choice. 
This is different.
Kind of. 
On one hand, we didn't choose this. We didn't want this. I, personally, never in a million years thought I would put my elementary age daughters into private school. Seriously. It never was a real option in my head (despite a few crazy threats to Tim made at the end of a few of the hardest of homeschooling days). 

On the other hand, Tim and I made a lot of choices and decisions together (with lots and lots of prayer) to get us here. 
We technically, could have, chosen another way. However, it is our strong belief that this is God's will for our daughters, and our family, right now. We believe that this is the best thing to do, for now. 

So while we (maybe) could have done things differently, this is us obeying, even when we don't want to. Regarding something that we hold very near and dear to our hearts - our babies and (secondarily) the initial call of our family to homeschool. 

It goes against what we've known. 
It goes against what we want. 
It goes against what our plans were. 
It seems insane. 

And yet. 

It seems right. 

I'm emotionally drained. 
Truly. I am some weird mixture of wanting to cry and curl up in the fetal position, to a hardness that wants to push my way through this firmly declaring 'I CAN and WILL get through this and I'm not going to break while doing it!', to strangely peaceful and willing to trust, to being angry at everyone, to wanting to cry again, and then back to the calm peace. 

It's exhausting. And depending on when you catch me, it may seem a little multi-personalitied (is that a word? If it wasn't it is now). 

Now, let me stop for a minute to go on a little bit of a bunny trail. Please don't hear in this post, that I hate school-options other than homeschooling. I don't. One of the reasons why I love homeschooling the way I do is because we were called to do. We want to do it. We enjoy doing it. I don't necessarily think homeschooling is for everyone, but I do think it is the best of all the options for us. I have a million reasons why it is best for us, none of which are meant to offend anyone else, but none of which I would apologize for either. 
I digress.... moving on.... 

Tim and I are attempting to read through the Bible together this year (thanks to encouragement and accountability from my big sis!), we (Tim and I) chose a Bible reading plan that has you read 4 different portions of scripture a day. We're currently in Genesis, Nehemiah, Matthew and Acts. 

Today the Genesis reading was Genesis 21 - The Sacrifice of Isaac. 

I opened up the Bible, and all the tears that I had been forcing back, came flooding through and I hadn't even started reading it!! 

Last night as I was trying to fall asleep I was praying. Praying about everything I could think of regarding the girls and their first day of school. I prayed for hours. I did a lot of repeating :) but I had determined to myself that I wasn't going to stop praying until I was at peace and able to fall asleep. 
I had a choice. I could lay awake worrying or I could lay awake praying. I chose praying. 

At one point I just cried out "Lord, you know this is not what I want. You know that a part of me hates this. You know that I love these girls, and I know that you love them more. Help me to remember that. Help me to trust You to take care of them when I'm there, and when I'm not. Help me to love you enough to lay them down." 

Immediately the story of Isaac came to mind. 
I thought about Abraham and the feelings he must have felt. 
The uncertainty. 
The anger (maybe). 
The questions. 
The strangeness of the situation - knowing what God had promised specifically through Isaac, and then the command to sacrifice him.... it all feels so familiar. 

But the part that really struck me was the fact that despite what he must have been feeling, the faith he maintained through it all was more than just admirable, but counted to him as righteousness. 
He didn't know what the end result was going to be, or how God was going to bring it about, or what all the details looked like. But he knew. Abraham knew that God would keep his promises. 
I know that too. 
So I choose to believe and to have faith that God is who He says He is and He will fulfill the promises He has made. Despite how I may feel, despite what I may want to do. I choose to trust. I choose to obey. 

I realize that my sacrifice is nothing compared to Abraham's. I am not trying to equate my girls going to school to Isaac's life. What I am comparing is the struggle of sacrifice and obedience. It's the same for all of us, it's a choice we all have to make. 

1 comment:

Ashley Skye said...

Amber I don't have the right words! All I can say is thank you for trusting him! Thank you for being an example of blind faith and unfailing belief o. The soverinty of our Lord.

I am heartbroken that you are hurting and struggling but I am elated at the lord being able to grow you (and your family) as well as further his glory and kingdom. I believe that your family and the choices HE has brought you to are right.

I love you more than words

Your "big sis"